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Stop hurting the one you love, and love them
July 18,2019 by

In my therapy practice, I see many couples who love each other but don’t know how to be together, nor separate. So, they fight.

Too often couples destroy their relationships and themselves fighting. The intensity can be overwhelming as they’re unable to be reasonable, compromise or fight constructively. Thus, they hurt each other, sometimes irreparably.

Love is a powerful emotion. It complicates life while having the potential to be a central source of joy. When people form relationships they create emotional bonds and mutual dependence ties. We underestimate just how important these attachments are until they’re threatened.

Let’s look at some reasons why, and explore ways love can be enduring.

What underlies emotional drama, and how can it be reorganized?

Usually, people say, what’s most important is a love relationship  

Today, most people do not live near their extended family and supportive communities they grew up with. People commute distances to their jobs and work extended hours. We feel as if we have less and less time to be with friends and family.

As a result, love relationship has become the central emotional relationship in most people’s lives. More than having a financial success and satisfying career, what people want most in life is a satisfying love relationship, a soul-mate. Our culture glorifies romantic love.

We’re saturated with images of romantic love. It’s in all the movies, TV shows and music. If your single, it’s often the question you’re most asked; “who are you dating?” “How’s your love life?” Consequently, being in a couple is idealized. This leads romantic bonds to become especially important.

We’re suppose to be interdependent.

Being in a relationship, gay or heterosexual, produces interdependence and strong feelings of attachment. This is good.

We are fundamentally social beings. We need to be co-dependent and emotionally attached with others. We want and need someone to depend and rely on, as well as someone to give the same in return. These expressive bonds are essential and are products of loving and being loved.

Difficulties occur when couples develop their relationship without discussing their understanding of how they are relating to each other. They have unstated, undisclosed agreements with each other. They range for the division of household chores to finances, child rearing, holiday traditions to issues of privacy and more. “I just assumed you would tell me everything”. “I thought all of our financial resources would be equally shared”. “Of course my mother will live with us now that she ill”.

When unspoken agreements get violated, attachment bonds can feel threatened. This often leads to feeling being taken advantage of, under-appreciated, manipulated or worse. When are fundamental attachments are threatened, we feel vulnerable, hurt and react irrationally. We may lash out.

Feeling our attachment bonds threatened, conscious or not, real or imagined, can be the underlining basis for intense fighting. You may believe you’re fighting about leaving the dishes in the sink. In fact, your reacting the feeling your bonds are weakening. Frighten, we fight to save our relationship. We fight poorly, non-constructively.

Don’t Fight – Create

It takes two to fight. You can choose not to participate in fighting. You can choose not to get provoked. Rather, appreciate that the person you love is upset, hurt and needs something from you. This is the time to be emotionally giving.

Disagreements are not debates where you need to be right or worse win the argument. Too often, being “right” is more important than taking care of their relationship, (the significant third party of the couple). This makes arguing worse. We forget, or are not good at responsing to how the other is feeling. It critical to ask oneself, “how come I’m more concerned with be right”?

Ours is a society of exchange. We’re taught to be more concerned with “me” and what “am I getting” than with the other, the person we love. A tacit subtext for how people conduct their relationships is on the principles of exchange. “I do this for you; what do you do for me?”

If we think we’re not getting what we want, we think we’re right. And we insist on it. That never helps.

Think of what is in the best interest of the relationship. Think of caring and nurturing the emotional bonds that is your relationship. This is how to keep your love enduring.

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recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Adult attachments may be more reciprocal and less centered on physical contact, but the nature of the emotional bond is the same.

Enduring love focuses on creating and strengthening this emotional bond between partners by identifying and promoting activities of being open, attuned, and responsive to each other.

all couples, young, old, married, engaged, cohabiting, happy, distressed, straight, gay; in short, all partners seeking a lifetime of love. It is for women and for men. It is for people from all walks of life and all cultures; everyone on this planet has the same basic need for connection.

“It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, your risk is even greater.”

When these emotional connections are threatened, we can become highly emotional and irrational. The art of couples’ therapy is to help couples reconnect emotionally, feel secure in what they mean to each other. Or, if the connection is no longer there, how to move on without hating each other.

I know the secret to enduring relationships. It is about learning to grow continuously emotionally together, and passionate kisses. It’s about staying emotionally connected.

It is sad to see couples destroy their relationships and themselves while wanting to love each other. Many couples love each other but at times don’t know how to be together, nor separate. The intensity is overwhelming, they’re unable to be reasonable or compromise or fight constructively. Thus, they hurt each other.

Often, being “right” appears more important than taking care of their relationship, (the third party of the couple). They don’t react rationally but rather emotionally, and they’re emotionally underdeveloped, so they fight. Modest incidences become explosive as it exposes an entangled underlining emotional drama.

Love is a powerful emotion. It complicates life while having the potential to be a central source of joy. Is there an enduring way to love? What is that underling emotional drama, and how can it be reorganized?

Too often our society and culture teaches us to be more concerned with “me” and what “am I getting” than with the other, the person we love. A tacit subtext for how people conduct their relationships is on the principles of exchange. “I do this for you; what do you do for me?” This of course can lead to feeling being taken advantage of, under-appreciated, manipulated or worse. These unspoken agreements often over-ride the intense emotional connections couples have.

We are fundamentally social beings. We need to be co-dependent, emotionally attached with others. We want and need someone to depend and rely on as well as give the same in return. These emotional bonds are essential and are product of loving and being loved.

When these emotional connections are threatened, we can become highly emotional and irrational. The art of couples’ therapy is to help couples reconnect emotionally, feel secure in what they mean to each other. Or, if the connection is no longer there, how to move on without hating each other.

I know the secret to enduring relationships. It is about learning to grow continuously emotionally together, and passionate kisses. It’s about staying emotionally connected.

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